This Companion Stories Series features essays which look at my album The Work and each of its songs in detail, going behind the scenes to de-mystify what artists too often try to keep mysterious.
 
The Work

Listen on Spotify here.
 
If I were to write the entire journey of creating my album The Work, it would be the length of a book. It’s even hard to know where to begin here, as all this music connects back to an experience which connects back to a thought, then back to an idea, then a relationship, then a certain time in my life and so on.
 
So I’ll give you the short version, and maybe we can video chat about the long version later :D

I’ve always wanted to be an artist, but for various reasons, I didn’t think I was allowed. I even went to music school but it was hard on me, and I never felt quite accepted there, musically speaking. There was a world of what I thought music was supposed to be, and then there was me, and those two things didn’t seem compatible.
 
After graduating, I moved to New Orleans. There was music everywhere: literally parading down the streets and spilling out of houses, rolling down the river and seeping out of secret coves in the park, every day and night. It was pure delight and absolute torture. I wanted to be making music, too, but I was caught up in the “mythology of artists” that I’d inherited somewhere. I couldn’t make music like them because:
 
- I didn’t really have artists in my family
- I wasn’t all that great at music theory
- I didn’t have an overwhelming desire to practice 8 hours a day
- I didn’t start writing piano sonatas the minute I emerged from the womb
- I didn’t think about music all the time
- I didn’t drink or do (very many) drugs
- I wasn’t “messy” and “disorganized”
- I didn’t want to be broke
- I wasn’t super traumatized or angry at the world
- There were other things I was good at
 
And the list goes on for a while. Add to that a particular musical experience where I was humiliated in front of a – very – large amount of people and almost broken (that one’s for the video chat ), and it didn’t feel like I could ever make music again.
 
Then a few things happened. One was simply feeling the rock bottom after that humiliating experience (if anyone has ever hit that place, you know what a gift it can be knowing that you can’t possibly fuck it up more than you already have; seriously it takes loads of pressure off). Another was randomly meeting a famous musical inspiration of mine at a bar and realizing that I was a person and he was a person, not a mystical god-being who lived on a mountaintop. And a big one was a friend who said to me, “I feel like I need to say this to you: Have you ever done The Artist’s Way?” And working through The Artist’s Way workbook changed my entire outlook on creativity and my relationship with the world. If you’re having thoughts like I listed above, I’d highly recommend it.
Lastly, I met a man. Doesn’t it always go that way? But this one and I clicked in that way there are no words for. And he taught me the concept of The Work; of going deeper into yourself than you’re comfortable doing, every day, because it’s the only way to get your shit together enough to stop hurting yourself and other people, because it’s the only way to get done what you need to in this world.
 
So it was simply time for me to do The Work. And a big part of that was doing music again, no matter how many times I’d failed or what other people said or what I said to myself. I was tired of being frail when I knew inside I wasn’t. I finally realized that music would be with me whether I accepted it or not, and it was going to be a lot easier to live with myself if I accepted it.
 
Plus, I moved to Ireland, which ironically made me think a lot about America and the concept of home psychosomatically and home physically. I read a lot and wrote a lot, and I composed a gaggle of songs (like, composed pop songs on a free notation software – not at all how you’re supposed to do it. You’re supposed to be cool and do it on a DAW. Oops.). As life would have it, I met a producer at a bar – bars are great for this kind of thing – and we worked on this album for the next two years. I did it while working a full-time job, which financed the whole thing but also meant we had to take it painfully slow at times. I put all the work I’d done on myself into the album; the album was The Work.
 
I met other incredible collaborators, too, some of whom you’ll read about on future installments. I was scared to collaborate, because having my music in front of people was still terrifying. And it is today when I think about having to perform these songs live. But I now know it’s all part of the work. I will get to and through that milestone someday, and it won’t be perfect, but I will have done it.
 
I can’t tell you how good it feels to have given myself the gift of perspective and of a creative product that, unbelievably, came from my little brain and is now out in the world! That’s the beauty of it for me. I sincerely hope you enjoy it, and I hope tons of people hear it, but I’ve already got what I needed from it. I’m so happy to be here right now.
 
Look out for Companion Stories Series: Installment 2 coming next Friday. I’ll be talking about my song (and video!) The Void and its journey into existence. See you there.

These are the lyrics to "I'm Here", the last song on my album The Work, featuring Adedotun Adekeye.

Listen on Spotify here.

I may never be free
This may always be
Too much for me
Maybe my wave melts on the rolling sea

But I’m here
I’m here
I’m here
I’m here

I may never ever know
What it feels like when a life
Becomes a lucid flow
Maybe never a direction as I go

But I’m here
I’m here
I’m here
I’m here

Sometimes it’s difficult
To look at your life
Sometimes you just wish
Things had taken a different path

Direct Provision is really really
Inhumane
And it’s down to the fact that
You are not seen as a human
​
But even if dreams don’t work out
The way we planned
I don’t think that should stop us
From dreaming

I think we just keep hoping
Keep going
No matter what you do
And no matter how you do it

Just keep going

I may never be heard
May never have a friend
Or lover in this world
Maybe my tale boasts just two little words

I’m here
I’m here
I’m here
I’m here

I will never see peace
Oh and change will be the air
Oh that constantly I breathe
Maybe all I’ll ever be is me

But I’m here
I’m here
I’m here
I’m here

I’m here
I’m here
I’m here
I’m here

These are the lyrics to "No Simple Love", the sixth song on my album The Work.

Listen on Spotify here.

Some people go crazy
And you never hear the fall
But babe if you gonna go that way
I want it all

Don’t want no simple kind of love
Some fairy tale that just never grew up
What would I do with sweeter dreams
I want you dirty bold and free

No excuses
For what your truth is
No ivory tower
Give me your power yeah

Don’t try to hide it all away
I know you got something to say
‘Cause babe it’s there in dark or light
Oh but the blood flows from the fight

No excuses
Don’t see no bruises
We ain’t no flowers
Give me your power yeah

Mmm that power

Don’t want no simple kind of love
Some fairy tale that just never grew up
What would I do with sweeter dreams
I want you dirty bold and free

No excuses
For what your truth is
No ivory tower
Give me your power yeah

Mmm that power

These are the lyrics to "Tides", the third song on my album The Work.

Listen on Spotify here.

She had a house
By the water
It had a window
To the evening sun
She watched the dance
Of nature every day
Then let the darkness
Overcome

She spent her life
Reading epic tales
Of men with awesome
Destinies
She thought how beautiful
Life can be
Turned off the light
And went to sleep

There are tides in the body
She said
Oh but I never learned
How to swim
And so I'll sit on the shore
I won’t ask for any more
But there are tides in the body
She said

Her life was full of things
She could not name
‘Cause she could never
Bear to know
If she had thrown herself
Into their flame
Could she have done
The impossible

When she was finally taking
Her last breath
She thought of all the things
She'd leave behind
She thought of family
Love and secret dreams
And the tides she closed to
Closed her eyes
​
There are tides in the body
She said
Oh but I never learned
How to swim
And so I'll sit on the shore
I won’t ask for any more
But there are tides in the body
She said

These are the lyrics to "The Void", the first song on my album The Work.

Listen on Spotify here.

What happens to so many jailers
When the prisoners all are set free
What happens to shepherds for saviors
When gone are the penitent sheep

What happens to time-honored masters
When they hear the chains rattle and fall
The shattered glasses of Bemis
With nothing but time after all

Imagine these men for a moment
Looking and finding no help
And for the first time in their lives
Facing the Void of themselves

And what of myself in my bedroom
When all men have come and gone
With no one to tell me who I am
I realize I never have known

When I tire of calling myself victim
A coat I have worn like a skin
Still none of the things that I yield to
Can heal the unyielding within

There are so many cures for this ailing
And hundreds of ways to stay dumb
Thousands of empty distractions
And millions of ways to be numb

The light in a dark place is painful
It shows what we can’t bear to see
And most of us patch up the rupture
And take darkness, its sharp-edged relief

The scariest thing about freedom
You can no longer cry to be free
The source of your strength has departed
And taken your identity

So tell me what have we to bind us
When freedom grants each one his own
Without duty or demon to blind us
Who the hell are we alone

These are the lyrics to "Ideology", the fifth song on my album The Work.

Listen on Spotify here.

War
What is it good for
Peace
When will it be
But why
Do these have to be
The only options
For me

Creed
A drug of conceit
Doubt
Just a different devout
But why
Are these prisons indeed
The only options
For me
​
Right
Can’t see I’m alive
Left
Can’t seem to forget
But why
Is ideology
The only option
For me

These are the lyrics to "Weakness and Truth", the second song on my album The Work, featuring Mike Mass.

Listen on Spotify here.

I remember being
Honest with you
I remember peeling
Back my soft white skin
Took my bones
Laid them on your table
Watched you scramble
To replace them all again

Let me start all over
Let me take a breath
Let a wind blow
All through my wilderness
Let it bring out the music
Inside my head
If truth is weakness
Then I’m already dead

I remember butterflies
Around me
Taking aim with my
Well-sharpened regret
Watched the blades
As they turned back to me
Bleeding out while they
Smiled upon my chest
​
Let me start all over
Let me take a breath
Let a wind blow
All through my wilderness
Let it bring out the music
Inside my head
If truth is weakness
Then I’m already dead
​
Dead to the lies
I’m alive to the truth
I will glide through
The sky with pride
Soul sprinter
I slow down my stroll
In a minute to roll with you
But know it wasn’t enough
I noticed something was up
And then what

Nothing can ever be louder
Than higher silence
Penetrating my mind
It was non-physical violence
Frequency is higher
This violet is far from crimson
Anger’s such a shallow description
Implying distance morally
But it’s more of a shock
A dying instant
Weakness how you process truth
I’m dying quick then

Manipulation must make
Infinite life a trick then
Since dishonesty is the opposite
Of what killed him
My philosophy is that
Hide and seek is for children
Spin the bottle
Hop to the scotch
We’re not resilient
Jump rope can turn a hangman
But imma skip it
Makes sense
Postmortem is starting to be optimistic

Let me start all over
Let me take a breath
Let a wind blow
All through my wilderness
Let it bring out the music
Inside my head
If truth is weakness
Then I’m already dead

These are the lyrics to "In the Bedroom", the eighth song on my album The Work.

Listen on Spotify here.

In the bedroom
l’ll take care of you
‘Cause I can’t admit
I might be worthy of this

So I lie back
Under your gentle attack
Replaced are the words
That gave voice to my hurt
With ones that subvert
The blunt force of my worth

But there once was a bed
Where I felt myself yield
So I can’t take your wounds
I’m already healed

Transcendence I felt
Like a cry from the earth
Two bodies unburdened
A deathless rebirth

We slip into our roles
The covert war unfolds
Who once was your friend
Becomes means to an end

But maybe this time
Words and acts will align
The real man will come back
And we'll face up to facts
We both want to be real
But we’re scared what the light will reveal

But there once was a bed
Where I felt myself yield
So I can’t take your wounds
I’m already healed

Transcendence I felt
Like a cry from the earth
Two bodies unburdened
A deathless rebirth

I’m not asking for polite
Just please no more bullshit so trite
What I need is a man
Who can handle it and
Who can look in my eyes
As we fall and we rise

Rise!

But there once was a bed
Where I felt myself yield
So I can’t take your wounds
I'm already healed

Transcendence I felt
Like a cry from the earth
Two bodies unburdened
A deathless rebirth
​
In the bedroom
I’ll take care of you

These are the lyrics to "The Abandoning", the ninth song on my album The Work.

Listen on Spotify here.

What was that
Your father said
The last time you saw him
Before he left

The words cut deep
Into your chest
Fourteen years old
No armor yet

And there you were
Bleeding from your wounds
And nobody came
To your rescue

So now I want to save
And shelter you too
But now it’s my turn
To abandon you

I heard it said
That you and I
Should never have been in love
Should have never tried

But you still gave
Me everything
Though he wasn’t there for you
You were there for me

And I could not
Respect you more
If you were king
Of all the world

You taught me how
To love and live
Showed me everything
I can no longer give

Oh what living hell is this world
What kind of twisted game
Where to the best man I have known
I must prove the point you made

I truly loved this man
And I don’t think you ever did
So fuck you for pretending
And fuck all your attempts

To convince him he was nothing
To convince him he was bruised
But he’s nothing like his father
And I’m the one becoming you
​
So I want to save
And shelter you too
But now it’s my turn

These are the lyrics to "Nero", the fourth song on my album The Work.

Listen on Spotify here.

When truth comes home
You won't have time to cook or clean
It settles in the seams
What can you do but release
What can you do but believe

He said I don’t want to be your father for you
I know you learned some things from your mama too
Like how to treat a man like he’s tarnished silver
But baby I am gold and so are you

I got over a lot to be here standing with you
I ain’t gonna let you be the devil of our hell
‘Cause the only way to heaven is to walk me through your fire
And the only way to love me is to love yourself

When love lies down
It won’t get comfortable and sleep
But it stays eternally
What can you do but release
What can you do but believe

He said I don’t want to be your father for you
I know you learned some things from your mama too
Like how to treat a man like he’s tarnished silver
But baby I am gold and so are you

I got over a lot to be here standing with you
I ain’t gonna let you be the devil of our hell
‘Cause the only way to heaven is to walk me through your fire
And the only way to love me is to love yourself